Cresting the Hill and Heading Over

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the car to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the car wondering what was wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the car, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Yeah, um, ... Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a person elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the car. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginko biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the car around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the car, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my car by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandmother does stuff like
this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my son met me halfway down the hall. I handed him a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, there's a few things you should know:

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1991.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable..
Popcorn has always been microwaved.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel ', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Decisions, Decisions

Orange Chicken and Ham Fried Rice

OR

Shredded Beef Taquitos with Green Sauce


?????

How To Communicate

Can you tell me how you do it? How do you effectively communicate? Are there people you just "click" with? Ones that it isn't a lot of work explaining yourself and your thoughts to? (Yes, I'm aware of the dangling participles at the end of the two previous sentences.)

It's always confusing to me when a conversation begins where I think people are all sharing ideas, then in the middle of it, you get blindsided with someone objecting to the "motives" behind what your saying. Especially when you had no such motives.

Why is it some people are offended by one's "delivery" and others aren't? How can two people hear what you are saying... the exact same words... and have such different interpretations of them?

It makes me want to only talk with the people I click with... the ones that "get me." Is it lazy to want that? Is the point of communication to do the striving and the straining of making oneself understood as well as heard?